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starcrossed-sky:

minerva-is-a-robot:

kuunakullanvalkeana:

tbh, i find the emergence of the concept of demisexuality very interesting, and i’m partial to thinking it’s a symptom of hypersexualized patriarchal culture that demands full sexual availability of women. wanting to develop an emotional bond before having sex is actually a very common and even normative thing, yet nowadays women seem to be under so much pressure to have casual sex that they strongly identify with demisexuality to justify the limits of their sexual comfort zone.

i wonder how the idea that not wanting to have sex with people you don’t know well needs its own label might be connected with the “sex-positive” movement and its ideas of “sexual empowerment”. we’ve conceptualized being sexual (as opposed to “half-sexual”) in very strict terms and reached a point where certain sexual behaviours, such as casual sex, are not just seen as normal and accepted but actually positioned as a required part of “full” sexuality, and by doing that we’ve abnormalized not wanting to have sex with people you don’t know well, which is alarming because there is an immense pressure on women to be sexually available to men.

That’s a really interesting theory, and it very well may be apropos for some women who use the label, but I think that it’s actually based off of a fundamental misunderstanding of demisexuality? I’m not demisexual but I’m fairly certain I am demiromantic (and I’m just asexual, maybe grace otherwise), so I sort of have to assume that I can take my feelings of demiromanticism and then apply them to the limited knowledge that I have about allosexuality.

Obviously, sexuality is different for everyone and there’s no universal definition of how you should use labels blah blah blah I’m not trying to push any demisexual’s buttons here. If something I say doesn’t line up with how you feel, please keep in mind that I only have my own experiences to draw from. But I’d be interested in hearing yours!! I don’t have a good handle on anything that isn’t straight up asexuality so I’d love to hear from people that identify as demisexual or allo.

I think, though, that actually demisexuality isn’t only when someone wants to wait until they have an emotional bond with someone before having sex. It’s that they don’t develop sexual feelings for anyone before they develop a deep emotional bond with them. I’ve heard allosexual people mention that they would love to have sex with someone even if they’re not dating them? For a demisexual person, they would not have those feelings unless they already had a deep emotional bond with that person.

Demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum, so I have to assume that it would function similarly to gray-asexuality, though instead of only being attracted sometimes, they would only be attracted to people that are close to them. In my case, as a demiromantic person, I only really ever have the desire to be in explicitly romantic relationships (that is, exchanging romantic kisses and hand holding as opposed to casual cuddling and hugs) with people that I consider close friends, to whom I have been able to completely open up. Other people don’t register as dateable in any intense way. I assume that demisexuality would function similarly, but in a sexual sense rather than in a romantic one.

yes fucking thank you minnie

demi-x is not based on “I don’t want to actually x until I know them” it’s based on “I am not at all attracted to them in x way until I know them.” demisexuals, when an allosexual points out a hot person and goes “I’d tap that,” go “meh” the same way an asexual does. It’s not until there’s a wealth of interaction that people begin to become even remotely attractive - not until there’s a wealth of interaction that there’s even something to judge on which someone is or isn’t attractive.

(I, conversely, cannot speak to demi-romantics, because I have no specific-romantic attraction, only romantic as paired with friendship possibly-including sexual attraction)