This is a conversation I had with enenkaydoodles, a.k.a.Taylor, after her livestream comic had a cissexist term. I was surprised and upset by the comic, but only mildly at first, since it seemed to be a reasonable (also tiringly common) mistake. Because I didn’t think this would become an issue, I decided to pursue the matter because I thought this problem could be dealt with quickly.
I spoke with her thinking that she would be sweet and understanding, since she always appeared to be so on her blog. However, what actually occurred was Taylor acting incredibly entitled and deciding to use her privilege in order to get me cornered, seemingly aware about how uncomfortable this conversation was making me, as demonstrated by my short asks and her page-long responses that devolved into defensive speech rather quickly. She refused to accept that she said or did anything wrong, her “apology” was half-hearted at best and she acted very patronizing throughout the conversation, as though she knew better than me, and because I was the only one that spoke up that I was the one in the wrong. I never felt comfortable or treated fairly during this conversation; it was very much centered toward Taylor’s own personal feelings about a serious issue I presented to her. It felt rather one-sided, like she wasn’t listening at all to my concerns and was more distracted with sounding as “neutral” as possible while still asserting her privilege over me.
She made it clear she did not (read: refused) to understand what I was telling her. She shocked me by basically demanding I take responsibility for her fallacy, telling me that it was my fault whether or not she would take blame if I refused to educate her. She almost started to rant, based on the length of her reply, that it was up to me whether she became less narrow-minded and cissexist and that if I refused to give her every single possible resource to back up my reason for being offended, she wouldn’t accept it and could happily move on with her life without consequence, refusing to accept she ever did anything wrong.
I also sent this fanmail since she seemed to be unable to grasp what was upsetting me, or chose to be defensive and evasive instead of understanding. Although it is not and should never be my responsibility to educate someone — especially someone older than me who should already know better than to act in this manner — I did offer some reading material that I can only hope (although sincerely doubt) she read.
Since I apparently need to treat you like a child, as you’ve told me, here’s something my friend dealt with last night. Maybe it’ll shine a tiny light up there.
http://nemughoul.tumblr.com/post/63796390919/edit-the-post-says-female-parts-but-i-stand-by
http://nemughoul.tumblr.com/post/63797298655/god-why-are-you-so-sensitive-and-rude-to-people-when-it
http://nemughoul.tumblr.com/post/63803069490/im-sorry-i-upset-you-i-dont-know-who-you-think-i-am
Just so you know!! Even though this is stressing me out I’m trying to show you because this is a very specific case, but expecting people like me to educate you instead of educating yourself is very lazy and cruel because you’re acting like it’s my responsibility to show you where you faulted instead of you trusting that my opinion means more than yours in this situation (and it does!) and apologizing and fixing the issue instead of making excuses! I’m trying my best to be civil but you need to understand my frustrations with this.
I’m very upset by this turn of events; I held respect for this person, and because she uploaded multiple comics related to depression and anxiety, you’d think she’d be more understanding towards triggers and speaking to people about upsetting material. Apparently her understanding of this stops at her own self, however.
Okay, see, that’s not what I’m getting from this exchange at all and I’m getting pretty tired of seeing exchanges like it. I told my friend I’m honestly scared to say anything here or intervene because of unpleasant kids like you—I’ve gotten harassment scaling up to ‘you should go die’ and ‘i would beat your face in if i could reach you’ from trans* kids on tumblr during various call-out snafus, and I’m not particularly eager to jump back into the fray. But now I’m pretty mad.
She didn’t understand where you were coming from. While there’s nothing wrong with communicating to a writer or artist that you’re uncomfortable with an aspect of their work, this was the first time a person had approached her with the objection you approached her with.
“She made it clear she did not (read: refused) to understand what I was telling her. ” Dude, your particular sense of wounded outrage does not speak to a higher and easily graspable platonic truth. You’re upset because of the way the world looks to you, which is a point of view that not everyone shares, or can share, or wants to share. This is not a matter of dragging a stubborn horse through its paces or making sure a kid learns their times’ tables. This is someone who treated you with respect, tried to explain their reasoning and intentions, and ask for more clarification into the problem, and now you’re saying they ‘decided to use their privilege’ and ‘almost ranted’ at you and ‘backed you into a corner’. As soon as they didn’t immediately do what you wanted you treated them like they were some kind of scheming psycho criminal who deliberately and knowingly savaged you and at the same time a petulant stupid child? Really?
Look, I guess this is tone policing, but if you show up, demand an artist change their work because they’re offended, tell them you’re offended because you have a really different definition of a phrase than they do, assert that you speak for an entire group and are getting increasingly upset at their noncompliance with your hivemind platonic-truth obviously-correct reality, then get more upset with them when they ask you to please help them even understand what the hell that reality is supposed to be, then when you do give them more information on where you’re coming from you call them a child, then make a big post on their blog talking about fucking betrayed you’ve been, this is maybe not a tone that is helping you like at all ever.
This is the kind of tone that makes people scared, and angry, and feel like shit, and cry about themselves all night and feel like monsters for being so unable to please someone so angry. So, yeah okay, artists and writers are cissexist, we’re sexist and classist and racist and heteronormative because that’s how the fucking world is set up to make us, that’s the base state we’re all starting from, but can you fucking please stop treating artists and writers like lightning rods for your discontent? Can you stop screaming personal fucking victimization when someone doesn’t instantly change into who you want them to be, or won’t say what you want them to say? I am just. Tired and scared. And sad. And I don’t think we’re getting anywhere if we treat each other like this.