bro! hey! it’s been ages, dude, you totally fell off the planet. 

Oh. Hey. John.

You look.

Illegal.

As per fuckin’ usual.

not illegal if the legals don’t know about it shhh.

and come on i’m only two weeks away from my birthday!

I dunno if that sounds like solid reasoning because it is or because I make wicked bad judgement calls in the face of temptation.

Which happens to be your face, in case I wasn’t be blunt enough about that yet.

Thank your pops for that, seriously.

Except don’t, I’m pretty okay with not dying yet.

welp, your loss, man.

dad’s out on a business trip for the next week. if you’re gonna be a little sissy about it all i can’t do anything.

No, John, you don’t understand, I’ve got this heart condition where I’m allergic to dyin-

What.

This changes everything.

I’ll be right over.

bro you might

want to bring things over because my house isn’t exactly smuppet valhalla.