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“Bayonetta” (2009) Angelic Bosses from Least to Most Valid

vilecrocodile:

5. TEMPERANTIA

Horrible, horrible lad. I hate his nasty tube arms. Floats in the air like a god damn coward. His wailing/bellowing noises peeled the paint off my walls. I had to kill him with a damn anti-aircraft gun and not even my cool big sword and flame feet. Was rude to Jeanne, which I’m pretty sure is illegal in 49 countries. I hate his big stupid face. I feel like he’s about to tell me about how much he admires Margaret Thatcher. I’ve never fought a video game boss that reminds me more of my republican grandfather. 

4. IUSTITA

Well first of all it hurt Cheshire so that makes them immediately un-valid. But even if it hadn’t, what the fuck. This is the nastiest mess I’ve ever seen. They really just let any fucked up asshole be a Cardinal Virtue. I think I dodged and triggered Witch Time perfectly each time, out of just utter primal fear of being crushed between Iustitia’s big spiky plant nuts. The disgusting open mouths with their weird gross blob-hearts evoke the same kind of feeling in me as hearing someone say the word “vore” in real, actual life. To top it all off, there’s that creepy tube-baby which is about the last thing I want to associate with an angelic boss whose name I keep misreading as “Lust-ia”. I feel no lust looking upon this monstrosity.

3. JUBILEUS, THE CREATOR

The thing about Jubileus is that it’s not really her fault, it was my asshole dad’s. If I was woken up from my ten-thousand year nap by that aging twink bastard, I would probably be grumpy, too. So that part is valid. Turning me into a child version of myself a bunch of times was a little weird of her, though. And she kept on opening that portal that would suck me into the cold void of space, which is why we had summon Queen Sheba to kick her ass. Granted, my beloved wife Jeanne did stab her in the eye, but we could have talked about it. Next time try using your words, Jubileus.

2. SAPIENTIA

Now this is a gal I’d love to keep in an aquarium on my desk. She is immediately valid for looking like a cool lizard and not having a single tube in sight. I enjoyed surfing, it was fun, it was kind of like I was sexy lesbian Ahab and she was the white whale. I wasn’t even too upset when she tried to chomp me, she’s just living her life. Sapientia is valid, except for the time she caused a big explosion that was really hard to outrun. That seemed unnecessary.

1. FORTITUDO

A polite young man.