Kinda hard when certain ships give me panic attacks, Linda

OP here. Let’s talk about this a bit, though. I know exactly where you’re coming from. There is a kink…. I guess I’ll call it that… that provokes a panic response in me. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, makes me want to throw up or cry, and often I have trouble with intrusive thoughts for hours after I see it on my dash or on AO3. I engage in obsessive checking, click on things I shouldn’t click on, and generally “poke the bruise.” It’s a god-awful feeling, and I wish to high heaven that people would just stop writing about it so I wouldn’t have to deal with the horrible sensations that it brings on.

But people aren’t gonna stop writing about it. Because some things in fandom are meant for people that are not me. And even if I said anything, it’s a) not gonna stop people from writing it and b) will make me look like a dickbag who’s out to hurt people simply for expressing something that they want to express.

So when I come across it, I talk to my husband about how it makes me feel. I step away from the computer and focus on breathing until I find equilibrium again. And I curate my feed, using Xkit’s blacklisting function. Does it still crop up? Hell yeah. And I still have that awful, heart-thudding, sick to my stomach sensation.

But that sensation passes. I get my wits back about me. And I go on.

Contrary to the beliefs of some, this post was never meant to apply only to the out-and-out dickbags who send anon hate and seemingly exist solely to give others pain. Shutting Up™ is for all of us. Those of us who have genuine objections to things, those of us who have something that makes us feel sick, those of us who are sure that if we can only express what we’re feeling about something in fandom, it will make a difference. We all need it, not only so it doesn’t hurt others but so the negativity will not consume us so much that it becomes the definition of us.

It’s not easy. And I don’t succeed at it all of the time. None of us do. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea. And after a while, it becomes very clear that we can have negative emotions and even panic reactions to things, and THAT’S OKAY. You’re going to be okay. Navigating negative feelings is something we all have to deal with. The question is, do we lash out by making someone else feel negatively too, or do we manage our emotions and move on.

You said it was “kinda hard.” Yeah. It is. It can be very hard. I don’t discount your struggles at all. But it’s also incumbent on you to practice some self-care –by curating your feed and by finding outlets for those emotions that don’t add more negativity to the fandom universe. I think you can do it, my friend. I really do. And even if you don’t manage it all the time, you can get better at it with practice. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

I don’t want to speak for Tippy, but I am also pretty darn sure that she wasn’t talking about, say, politely asking someone to tag for something when she made this post.

Your triggers and squicks aren’t everyone else’s problem. However, fandom is a better place for everyone when creators are also not dicks and tag things that might upset other people so that those people can avoid it, so if something upsets you and there was no tag or warning (including Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, which you really should take at face value if something in the usual warnings is a major problem for you), it’s fine to politely ask them to tag/warn for it for the sake of other people with the same sensitivity as you. Or to politely ask someone whose tumblr you follow if they’re willing to tag that content for the sake of your blacklist. Just remember that in neither case are they obligated to do that, and if they won’t then you may have to decide to just unfollow or avoid that creator. Since ships are generally the most likely thing in the world to be tagged for, it’s up to you to avoid those ships, it’s not on anyone else to not write them. 

What’s very much not okay is to yell at or otherwise berate the creator for daring to create something that is personally upsetting to you, or to blame them for your failing to read the tags and warnings. Or to demand that they tag something and harass them if they don’t. (Unless it’s one of AO3′s required warnings, in which case the best course of action is to ask politely and then if they don’t report them to AO3 and let them deal with it.) Yes, maybe they’re being a dick if they refuse to provide any sort of tag or warning for something that’s likely to upset people, but just remember to avoid them in the future and maybe warn other people who might have the same trigger to avoid that work or creator. Avoid, not harass.

And then take a moment to be thankful that fandom even has such a robust tradition of tags and warnings to begin with, because 90% of mainstream  media does not.