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feministingforchange:

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asexualspocks:

surrealjock:

something i genuinely dont understand is what cisgender hetero ace/aros would want out of being in the lgbt community, without using homophobic rhetoric like “its for people with weird/abnormal sexualities!”

youre welcome to talk with me about this because i just…dont get it. what could we provide for you that your own community wouldnt be better suited for?

Okay, so. I’m not cis, and literally nothing about me is het. But here’s what I, as an aromantic asexual nonbinary person, gain from inclusion in the LGBT+ community, because these are the kinds of things that all aces, regardless of any other aspects of their identities, gain. (And, I mean, there are discoursers that like to file aroaces under ‘basically straight’ and call it a day. So there’s that.)

By being included in the LGBT+ community, I gain…

1) Education & awareness: By being part of a wider community, we are able to better spread awareness of our orientations. We are able to lobby for issues that affect all of us - better and more sensitive education on health and human sexuality, as an example, since that’s an issue that’s near and dear to my heart - because we have more voices speaking in solidarity. And, furthermore, we gain access to an already-vetted and established network of voices speaking up on issues pertaining to orientations that aren’t straight.

2) Counselling & support: For aces who are subjected to corrective therapies. For aces who are victims of abuse or violence because their partners do not accept their asexuality or believe that their asexuality can be “fixed.” For aces who have suffered from medical malpractice because of their orientation. For aces whose mental illness is exacerbated by lack of acceptance and support, for aces who are depressed, or suicidal, and need support that is sensitive to and respectful of their identities. These are resources that do not exist for ace people specifically, and likely never will, because of how few of us there are.

3) Material resources: For me, personally, I would gain the knowledge that, when my roommate broke our agreement to renew our lease after I came out to her, I could go to an emergency shelter for LGBT+ people while I figured out my living situation if I wasn’t able to line up housing in a hurry. Or that, if my parents hadn’t believed that my asexuality was successfully “cured” when I was in high school, I could have accessed scholarship money for LGBT+ people, in order to escape to college, something that I otherwise could not have afforded without my parents’ support. Again, because of how few people ID as ace or acespec, this is not something the ace community can feasibly provide.

4) Physical gathering spaces: The closest real-world gathering space to me that’s specifically for ace people, that I’m aware of, is about a 3.5 hour drive away from where I live, if I want to avoid crossing an international border. One way. I would have to spend 7 hours in a car, total, if I wanted to meet other aces, in an ace-specific real-world space. Being able to access a physical space where they don’t have to pretend to be straight could very literally save an ace person’s life, and there are a hell of a lot more LGBT+ community centers, teen centers, bars, cafes, etc. than there will ever be ace-specific versions of these spaces.

5) Pride and solidarity: Because too many of us grow up knowing that there is something wrong with us, that we are broken, that we are not experiencing life the way we’re told we are supposed to. Because too many of us still know today, even with a word other than “broken” or “freak” or “prude” to describe ourselves, that we may never be able to be honest with the people closest to us, that we may never be able to be in a relationship with someone who accepts us, that we may have to compromise fundamental parts of who we are in order to feel, for a moment, like we’re safe. Because yes, there is actually a benefit to being told “oh, you’re not everything society said you were supposed to be? That’s okay! Neither am I! There’s nothing wrong with you!” That’s not something you get to make disparaging comments about.

That’s only a partial list, by the way. There are likely other gains that are specific to individual aces, or that I’m not thinking of off the top of my head.

But here’s the thing: the aces that don’t stand to gain something from the LGBT+ community? Even more specifically, these “het aces” that everyone is so afraid of? If they don’t need something from us, by and large, they don’t want to be in the community. And those “het aces” that do need something from the LGBT+ community? They need it as much as I do. You’re not being asked to include them for their hetero attraction. You’re being asked to include them for the same reason you include me: their asexuality.

All that this “het aces don’t belong in LGBT+ spaces” movement is accomplishing is teaching me that when you say I belong, what you mean is “you do not belong because of your asexuality, or your aromanticism, but in spite of them, and we will not offer you support, if you need it because of your orientation, regardless of the rest of your identity. We only support the non-aroace parts of you.” Which is shitty support.

And, finally, I want to talk about the way this discussion is framed for a moment. This list I have provided? These are not “things the aromantic/asexual community would gain if we were counted as part of the wider LGBT+ community.” They aren’t things that we want from you. These are “things the aro/ace community has already been receiving from the LGBT+ community, that we now fear we might lose.”

LGBT+ is not a community I am seeking access to. I’m not asking anybody to pretty please include me too. LGBT+ is a community that I have happily existed in for more than half my life. LGBT+ is more a family to me than my parents, or my siblings, or any of my vast network of aunts, uncles, and cousins have ever been. My LGBT+ elders are the ones that raised me in an environment of support and acceptance, that helped me understand who I am, that supported me while I was questioning who I was, and that were proud of me when I started coming out.

What do I stand to gain? My health, mental, emotional, and physical. My safety. My life. I know that because I have gained these things already. And I know that if something doesn’t change? Ten or fifteen years down the road, when these discoursers that are “just a few kids on Tumblr” that I ought to ignore are grown up, and running community spaces of their own, I might not have any of those things any more.

And that scares the shit out of me.

(another aro ace here, but since we tend to either be ignored or lumped in with the heteroromantic aces anyway, figured I might as well chime in)

Also, just to address the last bit of “what could we provide for you that your own community wouldn’t be better suited for?” - I’m not sure whether “your own community” means the straight community or ace community, but…

1. If it means the straight community? HAH. As probably any queer person can tell you, when you are a young (or old!) person first struggling with the fact that you don’t seem to be feeling what the straight people around you are feeling, when you start looking for help understanding what this means and when you look for support and camaraderie as you figure things out and come to terms with what those differences mean….straight people aren’t going to be much help. 

And even if you’ve been out for years, when you still want someone to talk to, to commiserate with, to ask for advice….straight people rarely have those experiences of questioning their sexuality, of realizing you’re not like everyone else around you, that the social scripts you are expected to follow don’t work. LGBT+ people do.

2. If you mean the ace community? Yes, ace communities are great - but they’re not something that all fledgling aces have access to. While they are growing, not every city has enough ace people to have an established ace community, and even when they do said communities are often younger, newer, and without many resources or much experience. For many aces, when they look for some kind of a community of support, the local LGBT+ group is the only thing around. 

I know that when I was a baby ace going away to university and exploring my sexuality in the open for the first time, there was no ace group on campus that I could turn to - but there was an LGBT center. And, luckily, one that was amazingly supportive. That was also the first time that I met other ace people, since we all had that sought out that same space. And yes, now that we have the numbers, and the resources, we are starting to try and create ace-specific spaces as well - but it’s slow, and it’s hard and it’s not quite there yet. But the LGBTQ+ community has always been there for us through it all.

And, I mean, that’s part of why we have an LGBT community at all, as opposed to a gay mens community + a lesbian womens community + a bi community + a trans community, etc. Because these groups all feel that rejection and lack of support in straight communities, but didn’t necessarily have much access to support and resources on their own. Because combining forces is stronger than struggling alone. I mean, a gay man and a straight transwoman don’t necessarily have much of anything in common either, and may not directly be very useful resources for each other - but they can both join together in LGBT spaces because alliance is stronger than isolation, and because what similarities are there are enough to make it worth it.

3. And, finally, I just want to make it clear that when we aces are in LGBT spaces (because we are, and we have been for years), it’s not like we’re taking hard earned resources and running - those of us who are there are there to give back too. We’re planning events or gathering resources for the others who seek support in those spaces, whether they’re ace or otherwise. We’re volunteering, and donating, and advocating for political campaigns, and offering advice where we can, and so on. It’s a two way street.

#BoostAceVoices #BoostAroVoices