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kvotheunkvothe:

I was just remembering a D&D campaign I played a few years ago. I was playing a sneaky rogue. At one point before leaving on a quest, during some down-time, I’d had her pay a baker to make some bread chock-full of deadly nightshade berries. In the following quest, we were supposed to rescue this princess chick who’d been kidnapped by some evil sorcerer or something. And she was so fucking annoying, complaining about how slowly we’d been rescuing her, acting really shifty whenever we asked her any questions, making weird sexual promises to the Paladin, and whining about being hungry. So I offered her a chunk of my bread.

DM, who obviously had plans for this character: Is this the deadly nightshade bread? Yeah, she’s not gonna eat that.

Me: Why not? She said she was starving.

DM: Is that enough to kill her?

Me: I dunno. I think I read it takes 3 berries to kill a toddler. That chunk probably has, like, 20. If it doesn’t kill her, she’ll get terrible digestive issues, hallucinate like crazy, maybe convulse, and probably wish she was dead.

DM: Wouldn’t she taste something funny?

Me: Nope, the berries are supposedly pretty delicious.

DM: Well… she… she’s suspicious about why you’re giving it to her.

Me: Why the fuck is she suspicious? I’m rescuing her, and she said she’s hungry. I’m being nice. And she’s being rude.

DM: W-well… Paladin, aren’t you going to warn her about the nightshade?

Paladin: I wasn’t there when she paid the baker. I think it’s just bread.

Sorcerer: None of us knew. And she has no reason not to eat it.

DM *getting frustrated now*: Okay, fine! She takes it and… there’s a loud bang from further back in the cave, and she gets startled and drops it.

Me: What the hell. Here I am rescuing you, I give you my bread, and you insult me like this?

DM *playing as the princess*: Oh, uh, tee-hee? Sorry?

Me: Well don’t worry, princess. Of course I didn’t give you the whole loaf. Here, have another slice.

DM: She’s not hungry anymore.

Ranger: Bullshit. Eat up, princess.

DM: SUDDENLY THE EVIL SORCERER IS HERE, NO TIME FOR BREAD.