This isn’t realistic for adults. I’m sorry it’s just not.

Don’t fall into believing that, “if they’re a true friend they’ll drop everything and run to be by your side!” crap.

As a responsible adult there will be times that your friends are hurting and you won’t be able to go to them.

There are times that you will have to go to work, or take your sick kid to the doctor, or do many other things that will prevent you from being there for your friend.

When your friend calls you and they’re falling apart and it’s ten minutes until you have to leave for work, you’re not a bad friend for saying, “Look, I love you. I’m sorry this is happening, but I have to go. I’ll call you back tonight when the kids are asleep.” Or “I’m so sorry this is happening. I love you and I want to be here for you but I’ve got to get to work. I’ll call and check on you during my lunch.”

Adult life is hectic and busy with important things all the time and unfortunately it’s also full of shitty things happening to people we love.

Do your best to be there for the people you love and ask for support when you need it but be understanding when being a responsible adult comes before helping you.

The idea that people need to be there any time you need them is really damaging and unhealthy, too. You can’t place value on a person or a relationship based solely on whether or not they’re available, no questions asked, whenever you need them.

In addition to the above: sometimes, someone simply does not have the energy to help. Maybe they’re coming out of a rough patch themself, maybe they have been busy all day,maybe a chronic illness is flaring up. There are a myriad of reasons someone may not be able to be there.

Obviously, if someone is taking you for granted, and never seems to care how you’re doing, that’s an issue. But to write someone off because their life and your life didn’t line up quite right at a given point in time, or maybe even on more than one occasion, is not a healthy way to handle things.

This is also why it’s important to have a support system of more than one person. It’s not healthy for either party involved to have a single-point-failure when you’re having a bad day. It’s not fair to expect someone to prioritize you at all times above themselves. It’s not fair to make them feel like they are your only line of support, that they are the only thing keeping you from spiraling down. That is way too much responsibility to put on a single person, and it’s setting yourself up for a fall the moment that one person isn’t available to support you.

There are also different kinds of support. Relationships aren’t really all or nothing; you don’t just have friends and strangers. It’s a spectrum. There are strangers and there are your really close friends, but you also have casual friends and work friends and acquaintances you might see every now and then walking in your neighborhood. Just because your work buddy isn’t the person you would call sobbing during a breakdown doesn’t mean that relationship is useless. Maybe they’re not good for deep emotional conversations, but they’re there for light conversation to keep you upbeat during the day and they always have your back during meetings. It’s a different sort of relationship, but it’s still important. A balanced life and a healthy support network is made up of a combination of all these types of relationships, that’s what makes a functioning community.