Apparently people are trying to regulate access to queer spaces based on oppression again. The conversation became specifically about aromantic aces, which I am not, so I didn’t reblog it, but I’m going to make a separate post.

First of all, I absolutely know aces who cannot come out to their family because of fear of getting disowned. I don’t know their romantic orientations; I don’t think it’s relevant. They are worried about being cut off because they are ace. They cannot talk about being ace safely around their families. You wanna play Oppression Olympics, go talk to them.

Second, as writingfromfactorx said, this is the reason I was (and largely still am) terrified of off-line queer spaces. I spent three years working up the courage to go to my campus’ Pride group, and in the end I only did it because they had a special meeting for Ace Awareness Week. They turned out to be lovely people, who have thanked me for my ace perspective even when I’ve had to correct them about a couple of things. They want to be inclusive of aces, and I am really, really thankful for that. But going to queer spaces always feels like a gamble to me. I just happened to get lucky this one time. It’s not a chance I’m likely to take over and over again.

Also, despite the fact that my romantic orientation is “people who are nice to me,” that I’m non-binary and so is my sweetheart, that no one on the street who sees us kiss is going to think we’re straight, I DON’T WANT TO BE PART OF A QUEER ORGANIZATION THAT REFUSES TO RECOGNIZE MY ASEXUALITY. If all you wanna focus on is who I’m dating as an indicator of whether or not I should be allowed in your space, fuck you. I’m ace, first and foremost. All the rest is secondary. So if I’m allowed in your special little club but you want to keep my aromantic friends out, no thanks. I stand with the aces. I stand with the aces who have been hurt and belittled and mocked and degraded for who they are. I stand with the aces who have been lucky enough to avoid that. I stand with the aces who felt or feel broken or wrong. I stand with the aces who didn’t, who learned about asexuality soon enough to miss that period of confusion. I don’t want to turn this into “us vs. them,” but if someone else is, I know what side I’m on.

And it’s asshole gatekeepers who kept me from realizing how queer I am. They told me “aces aren’t queer,” and that kept me from realizing that hey, I like girls (and people of all genders.) Hey, I’m not cis. And when I did figure these things out, I had no one to talk to about them, because queer spaces had made it plenty damn clear that they didn’t want me. So I had to deal with it all on my own, when queer resources would have been really helpful for me. So congrats. In your quest to keep out the “appropriators,” you’re hurting actual queer people whom you claim to help. Think about that for a minute.