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“What if they really hate me?” (They probably don’t hate you.)

skaletal:

I see a lot of posts on tumblr in this vein:

“I feel like everyone around me secretly hates me.”

“I can’t help feeling like I’m being humoured.”

“I know other people find me annoying even if they don’t say it.”

Sound familiar? Probably. Tumblr is a haven to all sorts of anxiety-burdened folks, and there’s a reasonable chance you’re one.

The above is a type of distorted thinking called Mind Reading. It’s an extremely common cognitive component of social anxiety. 

It’s called mind reading because the essential nature of it is founded in the assumption you know what other people think and feel without concrete evidence that this is the case.

Logically, you can step back and tell yourself that maybe your friend is feeling a little unwell or has something on her mind she’s not ready to talk about yet, but we both know your anxiously vibrating brain has already decided that it’s because she views hanging out with you as a chore.

But here’s the thing: recognizing distorted thinking is the first step to changing it. Cognitive distortions aren’t totally unlike addictions in that way- once you truly recognize and accept that you have one, you can go about doing something about it.

This is a key component of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It’s a form of therapy that bases itself around the principle of giving sufferers of mental illness the tools they need to treat the peripheral symptoms of their core anxiety. Medication can be great for treating that core, but it doesn’t actually alter the behaviours or thought processes that you’ve developed as a result of years spent trying to cope.

If you have a habit of trying to read minds, you’re probably already really good at constantly questioning yourself. Self-doubt is definitely a thing in anxiety sufferers, too.

So question yourself productively: when you find yourself deciding how someone else feels about you, ask yourself if you’re being fair to them. Do you like it when people make assumptions about you? (They probably make you anxious, don’t they? Especially when they’re positive assumptions, because you’re sure you’ll disappoint.)

Question yourself when it matters. You’re really good at that, right? It seems like such a little thing, but it makes a world of difference.

Don’t let the only time you trust your own judgement be when it’s saying terrible things about you. That’s the starting point you need to go from.

When your mind tells you,

“You know they’re just putting up with you because they’re nice, right?”

ask yourself,

“Yeah, but how do you know?”

Because you don’t really, do you?