Bilbo Baggins Depending on what level of Dwarf Bullshit Bilbo has put up with, he could either be a tiny sachet of vitriol or simply a flabby bag of pudding and biscuits. Fighting him is like trying to fight a pillow case that may or may not be full of bricks. Unless it's Old Bilbo, in which case why the fuck are you fighting the living equivalent of a stale triscuit?
Thorin Oakenshield Please kick his ass. Put his head in a toilet and then give him a swirly, '90s style. Yeah sure Thorin is hardened by decades of war and living on the road, but if you insult his ego enough he could crumble like a poorly constructed meringue. It'll be challenging to say the least, but please, for all of us, just kick his dumb ass.
Dain Ironfoot He'll kill you by looking at you, and then his boar will eat your body and all other trace evidence.
Elrond Half-Elven Do not fight Elrond.
Thranduil Oropherion The thing about fighting Thranduil is that you would never know what's coming. Is he secretly a master swordsman, honing his skills deep within the decaying heart of Mirkwood? Or maybe he's just a pasty nerd who wears a crown made out of old cabbage who pretends that he matters but really doesn't because WOW he doesn't even have a Ring of Power. What a loser. Call his brow-game off fleek and you could probably toss his blond ass into the trash.
Lady Galadriel The only reason anyone would fight Galadriel is if they had a death wish. She'd smoke you. Shame on you for even considering it.
Aragorn I’ll have you know he graduated top of his class in the Navy Seals, and he's been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and he has over 300 confirmed kills. He is trained in gorilla warfare and he is the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to him but just another target. He will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.
Faramir Please don't fight Faramir, he's been through enough.
Eowyn If you fight Eowyn there is a fair chance you'll be banished outside of the realms of existence. It'll be bloody and quick, most likely ending with your corpse on the soiled ground, but then you'll see Eowyn's grimy face and actually thank her for kicking your ass. It'll be beautiful.
The Eye of Sauron I don't even know if you can fight a giant flaming slitted eye, but in any case go for it. I'd like to see someone try. Maybe give that little bitch some Clear Eyes afterwards, just to add insult to injury. That'll teach him to smack-talk when he doesn't even have a physical body to pummel behind the school at lunch.