The reasons why many men pay for sex are revealed in the interviews that make up a major new piece of research
But another of the interviewees left me feeling concerned. Darren was young, good-looking and bright; I asked him how often he thought the women he paid enjoyed the sex. “I don’t want them to get any pleasure,” he told me. “I am paying for it and it is her job to give me pleasure. If she enjoys it I would feel cheated.” I asked if he felt prostitutes were different to other women. “The fact that they’re prepared to do that job where others won’t, even when they’re skint, means there’s some capability inside them that permits them to do it and not be disgusted,” he said. He seemed full of a festering, potentially explosive misogyny.
When asked what would end prostitution, one interviewee laughed and said, “Kill all the girls.” Paul told me that it would take “all the men to be locked up”. But most of them told the researchers that they would be easily deterred if the current laws were implemented. Fines, public exposure, employers being informed, being issued with an Asbo or the risk of a criminal record would stop most of the men from continuing to pay for sex. Discovering the women were trafficked, pimped or otherwise coerced would appear not to be so effective. Almost half said they believed that most women in prostitution are victims of pimps (“the pimp does the psychological raping of the woman,” explained one). But they still continued to visit them.
This is what we mean when we say men hate women. You don’t even have to dig very deeply. They will tell you themselves.
so i’ve been noticing more and more coverage being done on Leelah Alcorn, who was the transgender teen who committed suicide after her parents refusal to allow her to transition, and i feel like most of what i’ve read involves “wow so sad, parents so mean… :’(“ or ”WAKE UP SOCIETY!!! U SUCK!!!!“ and that’s sort of it.
very much the “wow this sucks, but it has nothing to do with me” mentality most journalistic media, and even at times social media has with us as transgender people. this is all incredibly upsetting.
because of which, i’d like to take this opportunity to point out exactly what society needs to do to “wake up” since honestly her suicide, as tragic as it is, rings true to so many different problems LGBT people in general face, but especially issues transgender people live with their entire lives.i also mean society as a whole, including transgender people who seem to have gotten the wrong idea.
so, let us begin.
#1: appearance IS NOT everything.
what Leelah tends to mention quite a bit in her letter is what she’ll look like based on how old she’ll be when she can start hormones, how other people will treat her, how men will find her unattractive or she’ll be even lonelier because of it, and a bunch of other shit that isn’t often true.
now there are several reasons this is horrible. the first being that Leelah herself thinks she’ll never be attractive since she’d be starting “too late” because that’s what we’ve brainwashed trans people into thinking, and the second being that if she doesn’t look good enough, everyone will hate her, and she’ll never find the love she needs. this mentality is not at all uncommon in transgender women in general, and it’s primarily because trans women, especially trans women of color, are held at a much higher standard of attraction than cis women. we not only have to “pass as women”, but we also have to be very attractive ones.
now this is complete bullshit, and cis women are held to a high standard of beauty as it is, but please understandthat it is even worse for trans women. if we do not look attractive in society our lives, our opinions, our identities, and what we want are deemed worthless. we aren’t taken seriously as women. that’s not to say you can’t still succeed, or your life will suck if you aren’t attractive, but hell if there aren’t assholes out there who will try to tell you differently. what’s important to remember is that there are all different kinds of women in the world and they all look different. whether you’re fat or skinny or black or white or anything in between, that doesn’t make you any less of who you are, or any less important. that doesn’t make you ugly.what you look like does not change your identity, or who you are.
also understand that it is never too late to transition. the majority of amazing and beautiful trans women i’ve met in my life have transitioned from 19~27, some even later. even with appearance aside, transition isn’t just about the way you look. it’s about being more yourself. it’s not a beauty contest, and it’s not about taking some pills until you look like Megan Fox.
#2: trans women are NOT worth less than cis women.
people tend to think that being trans is going to be this huge mark against you for the rest of your life, and that if you’re a beautiful, intelligent, successful transsexual woman you are still worth less than a cis woman, or that you have less options. that people will not see your true worth, that you will not find a partner who appreciates you for who you are, etc… this is not the case.
generally speaking no one human life is greater than any other, but transgender women in general are forced to go through way more shit than cis women are. believe it or not, adversity makes you stronger. it makes you thoughtful. it makes you interesting, and getting through it is what shines through and makes you even more beautiful than you already are. this is a quality you cannot buy. as horrible as it is, this is part of what makes you unique, and being unique is not a bad thing. please remember this.
also keep in mind that cis people don’t just fall in love, and have wonderfully happy relationships because they’re cis. if we’re being realistic here there are way more single cis people than there are single trans people. the anthem that is “single ladies” and the stereotypical woman who goes on hundreds of dates never finding the one is a cis stereotype, not a trans one. don’t think just because someone is trans they can’t find happiness or love since plenty of cis people don’t find it just because they’re cis.
#3: people who do not accept you are NOT worth your time.
now this has a few parts. the first being that Leelah’s parents are horrible people who are using their religion to remain ignorant and indifferent to their child, and i feel that point is obvious… the second is Leelah’s feelings that her friends do not like, or respect her for one reason or another, and how they weren’t there for her.
honestly there are going to be people in your life whether you’re trans or not who are not going to accept who you are, or what you want in life. including your parents, best friends, co-workers… you name it. they will come and go, and some of these people will even just have phases of disapproval and may circle back into your life at some point. however, none of these people matter. family is not what you were born with, it is who you choose to spend your life with. you make your family. you make your friends. they do not make you.
if any of your friends or family decide to start acting a fool, please do not blame yourself. please don’t assume there’s anything wrong with you, or that you should be lonely, or even that you always will be. everything is temporary.
if you know someone who is trans, or you want to know how to help, just continue being there for them. don’t act like something has changed because realistically speaking, nothing about them has. treat people the way you want to be treated, and stop judging people whose situations you most likely know nothing about. if everyone was a little more understanding, and a little less judgmental, we wouldn’t have half the problems we have in this world. treat people like human beings.
#4: social media IS more important than you might think.
i feel like, speculation aside, Leelah’s parents took away her electronics as a form of punishment because people assume that the internet is solely a form of entertainment. please understand that this is not the case. for transgender people especially, the internet is one of the few ways we can actually communicate with one another.
people do not understand the importance of the internet, and social media for minorities in general when honestly it is a lifeline to a lot of people, young and old, and it isn’t a toy or solely meant for pornography. many just complain that it’s unhealthy, or that too much of technology is becoming a necessity for the younger generation.
is the internet too prevalent in people’s day-to-day lives? sure. is television any different though? other than the obvious fact that watching it doesn’t help nearly as many people as the internet does, and has.
#5: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
it’s sad to say that reading over Leelah’s letter also makes it abundantly clear just how stressed out she was about the coming months and her future. college, moving out, a career…
i cannot stress enough that transgender issues are difficult enough as it is, but transgender teenagers have to also face what the fuck they’re going to do financially, educationally, and even geographically all at once. that’s not at all counting surgical procedures that cost thousands of dollars we don’t have that only really make us feel more comfortable with our bodies, either.
there is not enough financial, or educational support for these young people who could very well contribute even more to society and go on to be happy, productive individuals. there are not enough resources for people in general in this country to form better lives for themselves. you are setting them up for failure, and then wondering why they’re suicidal.
you know what’s even worse than not being able to find a job, or not knowing how to make ends meet? being uncertain of those things while watching the medication you need to make you into a whole person dwindles to nothing. a lot of health care providers do not cover the things transgender people need, and even when they do, a lot of people who transition on the job end up losing their job because of it, and with that, their benefits. imagine having to worrying months in advance about when you’d be “reverting“ back into the depressed and all around miserable person you were before hormone replacement therapy.
imagine actually being able to physically chart your decline like that, and when a lot of states are still getting away with discriminating against us in the workplace, tell me if it’s any wonder that so many transgender people turn to the sex industry.
if you can help it, please do not pass over transgender people for jobs or opportunities simply because they’re trans. you want someone who’s going to value the job, and the money they make as if their life depended on it? trans people fit that bill.
and, finally;
#6: it DOES get easier, and often times, better.
people seem to think that if you don’t transition early enough, or if you aren’t attractive enough, or if people don’t accept you or love you enough that your life won’t feel any better. this isn’t true. with the whole “outside factors mean less than the ones inside” thing out of the equation, simply put, life is a process, and a sequence of events. once you transition every day gets easier to deal with. you start becoming more of the person you’ve always been, and you become more comfortable in yourself. you start waking up a little happier knowing that each day you’re getting closer to being who you are, and eventually that happiness, like quarters in a jar you deposit in each day, turns into real joy.
you become content with yourself far more than you ever were before, and even on your bad days you’re still much closer to what you’ve always wanted than you were pre-transition. you can finally start to see clearly.
with that happiness eventually comes love for yourself, and with that, love for other people. you’ll end up meeting someone who sees you clearer than you ever did, and although there will be a lot of people who don’t want to fight for you, or who may not accept you for who you are, there are in fact people who will, and one day you’ll meet one person who does much more than that. they’ll brighten up your life, and you’ll finally feel like you aren’t really alone. this is a part of love, a great part of it, and one day you’ll look into their eyes and start to see the “you“ they see as well.
hopefully with greater content with yourself, and happiness in general you’ll also know more of what you want in life, and then everything really will be better, but that’s a process of growing, too.
my point is that being transgender is not a death sentence. you can pass, you can make friends, and you can be happy at any age. you can have relationships filled with love even if you don’t transition right out of the womb, and i should know because i’ve done, and had those things as have many of my sisters.
so please, please, please understand your worth if you’re a trans person reading this, and please know that it does get better. things get easier, and even on your bad days when you can’t see it, you’re still you, you’re still there. coming out doesn’t change who you are, and being trans is not a phase. presenting as the wrong gender, however, is.
if you’re a cis person reading this please take note of what i’ve said as well. understand how difficult it is for us, and that it’s really not that hard to help. treat your trans brothers and sisters with the same love and respect you did before they transitioned, and just respect their identity. it is such a simple thing, but a lot overlook it.
Leelah killing herself is a terribly tragic thing that happens all too often in my community. this wasn’t some kind of noble act, or what needed to happen to get this kind of message across. we shouldn’t need people to kill themselves to realize we should treat them like human beings, or to understand there’s a problem. suicide is senseless.
i’m not really a religious person, but i do hope that wherever Leelah is now she’s much happier than she was here.
God doesn’t make mistakes, but sometimes people do.
I just always reblog this story too. Because it’s awesome. And because obviously Boggs is the kind of person that should be well known, and become a role model. (And Chris Garcia, Boggs’s friend who rode as well!)
The scholarship fund is currently at $15k, but we know that even now that’s a pittance compared to the actual cost of higher ed. And it doesn’t look like costs are going to be coming down, unfortunately.
Please donate if you can, and signal boost the heck outta this.
Always reblog because someday I hope the first thing I think when we see a photo of a young black man is something like this, not “criminal” or “murdered by police.”
Also Tumblr, if we can raise money for people’s medical bills and sick cats and so on, surely we can send these two young men to college?
This makes me so angry. She dishonors Leelah’s identify and memory even in death, pulls attention to herself as the grieving parent, and clearly still doesn’t get that it is her actions and treatments that pushed Leelah to take that step.
RIP Leelah Alcorn.
God dammit! OK, listen up, my dear trans babies. I know that you’re hurting. Probably hurting a lot like Leelah was, but I want you to see two things here.
Leelah committed suicide because she couldn’t see any way to escape. Her voice was actively silence and her story ignored in favor of a fantasy that her parents wrote. She felt powerless, alone and afraid. That’s because her parents WANTED that for her to make her feel like the only choice available to her was to conform to their narrative. She found a different choice, but one that ultimately gave her parents the final control over her story, her life, and now, her death.
She realized she couldn’t begin transition until she was at least 18 and legally responsible for her own medical care, and someone gave her the terrible, wrongheaded and dangerous belief that that was TOO LATE to transition and “pass” and find love.
She was wrong. I know many gorgeous and happy trans men women who transitioned in their 20s, 30s, 40s and later and have found the life they always wanted. Please don’t internalize that bullshit that your chances to transition end at 18 or 21 or 25 or 30 or whatever. It’s never too late. Never.
But the real lesson I want you to take from Leelah’s death here is that she’s gone, forever, and even though she did everything she could to make sure that her story was known and heard by queueing up that post, her mother is still ignoring all of that for this fucking bullshit narrative she made up about her darling SON accidentally being hit by a truck on a morning walk, instead of facing the fact that her daughter committed suicide because she saw no other way out.
If you’re feeling like Leelah, alone, afraid, powerless and like there’s a ticking clock counting down your chance to transition, please know that there is no peace in death.
There is no guarantee that your suicide will make anyone see anything they don’t want to.
This mother is still willfully and actively ignoring, denying and mythologizing her child’s life and death. Leelah has finally lost her voice forever. The news articles will fade, the tumblr posts will vanish, and this horrid person will be telling tales about the tragic accident that took her son from her until the day she dies. Her suicide solved nothing for her. She will never see the amazing woman she’d have grown up to be. And neither will her mother.
The only chance you have to be the narrator of your own story is to stay alive, get out, get away, find your power, find your voice, find your real family - the people who know you and see you for who you are, people who hear you when you tell your story, people who will defend and protect you at all costs. We are here, waiting for you with our arms and our hearts open. Please, I know you’re in a terrible and seemingly unbearable place and environment. The only comfort I can offer is that the world doesn’t stop turning, time doesn’t stop and this moment isn’t the last moment. Please find a way to bide your time, to hold on for one more day, one more hour, one more minute, though it seems eternal, this moment is temporary.
I can’t guarantee your future happiness or that your life will be easy, but none of us, trans or cis, get any such guarantee. The only guarantee you get is that if you kill yourself, you’ll NEVER have the chance to find and build a happy life.
Every storm passes, every rain cloud moves on, and nothing in this world is permanent. This pain of your present will become the aches of your past.
Please stay alive. Please hold on until you can escape from there and come home. Our light is on and our door is open.
I’m just praying that the media doesn’t make Leelah’s parents into national celebrities. They don’t deserve interviews. They don’t deserve gofundme sponsors. The only thing they deserve is complete unequivocal condemnation. They should only serve to be examples of what all parents shouldn’t be. But that probably shouldn’t be expected.
The sorrow of parents who drive their children to suicide is not valid. They are not mourning for their child, they are mourning for the child they wish they had.
I wanted to make a post about Leelah Alcorn but I lack the requisite words to describe how I feel. But this is exactly what it should be like. Leelah’s death is a heartbreaking tragedy and it should leave everyone speechless. That being said, however, we cannot simply sit back and mourn her by reblogging text posts and saying how messed up this is. In her note, she said that she wanted her death to mean something. So please, help her rest in peace by helping all you can and adding resources you find below. We can make a change. You matter.
Helplines:
LGBT Helpline 617.267.9001 Toll-free: 888.340.4528
do not let them lie about the circumstances of leelah’s death on facebook to save face among their friends
message all of their facebook friends if you have to to make sure that everyone knows what happened to leelah alcorn. i am sick and tired of this shit happening and I am not going to let carla and doug alcorn get away with what they put leelah through.
Carla Alcorn has deleted this post from her Facebook (or changed her privacy settings; either way it isn’t available):
Do not let this go unnoticed. Do not forget how she tried to hide the fact that she and her husband abused their daughter for being transgender. Plaster this screenshot everywhere.
a young girl died. this is not the time to say “not all cis people” or “not all christians”
if you can’t help fulfill her final wish of raising awareness and helping trans people live safer and happier lives then have enough respect for her in death to keep your mouth shut.
