tbh fenris laughs at most of the jokes hawke makes?? like he’s obviously more reserved in public & around the rest of the hawke squad (esp in act 1) but in private it’s definitely implied that he finds hawke genuinely funny. his sense of humor is just as ridiculous as hawke’s. what i’m trying to say here is: less long suffering eye rolling fenris, more fenris coughing into his hand to hide his amusement when hawke cracks a terrible joke.
I’m really tired of seeing people broken up into labels of absolutes.
People are not just “good” or “bad”.
People are not a list of labels.
People are complex, situations are complex.
I know, that makes it a lot harder when you want to just write off everything someone’s ever done as bad – but that’s not how people actually are, and it would do everyone good to stop pretending they are.
I am tired of hearing about the fear people have in putting themselves out there. And it is a scary thing! Putting yourself out there means subjecting yourself to people who want a really good reason to tear you down, who will jump at the first chance to feel “good” by labeling someone else as “bad”.
I reject this. I reject the idea that there should be fear in speaking up and talking about experiences and trying to reach an understanding of a situation.
I’m unhappy to see people spitefully urging others to cut off ties with their friends under the guise of “well, that person’s just inherently bad, so if you talk to them you’re bad too.” That is fucked up. You definitely have the right to let the friend know you don’t want to hear about whoever troubles you, but you do not at all have the right to decide who their friends should be. This includes guilt trips.
Anyway, just try to be more aware of others. Everyone else is a person like you. They might not have the same experiences as you. They might not understand how their words are harmful, or how what they’re doing is wrong. They certainly won’t if you never tell them.
Most people are trying to be good, but they’re going to mess it up sometimes. Try to keep that in mind. Even when people do really fucked up shit, sometimes they are trying to do good. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” and all that.
Nothing gets solved, no growth happens when you put people into a box from which you’ll never let them escape.
Yes, you absolutely must be careful about people who have tendencies and patterns that are harmfulto you. Sometimes people try to overcome those patterns and they fail, and you have to distance yourself from them: that is the sad reality of life. Sometimes though, they can overcome it. But they certainly won’t if the first thing you do is write them off after a fuck up.
Since Alan Cumming himself is bi and not gay, I feel obligated to point out that the FDA’s ban applies not just to gay men, but any man who’s had sex with another man in the past year.
ACTUALLY, it also applies to women who have had sex with bisexual/poly men who have had sex with a man/men in the past year, too! I learned that the last time I went to donate blood (years and years ago) and was turned away. It pissed me off so much that I haven’t been back since.
I didn’t follow it word by word but this is another one based on a scene from a Dragon Aage FanFic, Lyrium’s Hold written by TaraF. Although I’m a beard person..I like this scene quite a bit.. for number of reasons….=w=<3 (…back to work)
when you tell a man how he has hurt you and his response is “oh I’m such a piece of shit I’m a terrible person omg omg” and mentions/does nothing at all w/re: to your pain
(and then you’re the one reassuring and comforting him of course you are, again)
This is a abuser tactic. If a man does this, he is a toxic person and a manipulator who needs to be avoided forever.
👆
no no no no no
Tumblr, you have a serious problem where you call all unhealthy interpersonal behavior “inherently abusive”.
I know many kind and caring people who do this. These are people who have guilt and anxiety issues; realizing that they’ve hurt someone they care about can send them into a panicky spiral of self-flagellation.
I sometimes do this. Occasionally when I learn that I’ve hurt someone, I go into a state of sick guilt that I’ve written about before:
At its extremes, guilt is paralytic: I can’t really do anything except curl into a ball and apologize profusely and hope that the other person doesn’t hate me. Sometimes my anxiety will prompt me to try and make amends, but I feel so underconfident that I second-guess all my thoughts on how to do that, and so I’m left with wretchedly apologizing over and over again… Generally I can only productively deal with a mistake [by thinking about the situation clearly, diagnosing where I went wrong, and coming up with a plan to avoid causing harm in the future] once I’ve worked through my guilt.
I’m completely aware that this is unhelpful and unhealthy behavior. And it would be completely reasonable for someone to say, “Look, your behavior makes it hard for me to tell you when you’ve hurt me. This is a deal-breaker; I can’t be close to someone when I feel uncomfortable telling them that they’ve violated my boundaries, or when I have to comfort them every time I tell them they’ve harmed me.”
This would be perfectly valid, and I would never try to stop anyone who wanted to leave me for this reason. That would be abusive.
But I really resent being told that since I sometimes have guilt spirals, I’m inherently a “toxic person and a manipulator who needs to be avoided forever.”
Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries. “I won’t date or be friends with anyone who goes into a guilt spiral when I tell them that they’ve hurt me” is a perfectly valid boundary. It’s also perfectly valid to not have that boundary. I personally do not find it stressful to interact with people who go into guilt spirals; I’m okay with comforting and reassuring them and helping them work through their guilt, and waiting until they’ve calmed down to have a more productive discussion. Because my boundaries and preferences allow it, I often have positive and healthy relationships with people who work this way.
So I’m concerned about how Tumblr discusses things like this. I’m concerned that people like misandry-mermaid, who have so many followers, would casually call everyone with an anxiety disorder “toxic people and manipulators”. I’m concerned that Tumblr creates a narrative where every behavior is either Completely Valid And Above Criticism or Inherently Abusive And Evil.
Tumblr, do you realize how many anxious, kind people will read posts like this and conclude that they’re horrible toxic abusers?
And by constantly emphasizing this narrative of “horrible toxic abusers”, do you realize that you’re making it harder for people to set their own boundaries in all cases where they don’t think their partner is a horrible toxic abuser? Do you realize that you’re making it harder for the girl who knows her boyfriend loves and cares about her, but who still can’t healthily be in a relationship with him because of his anxiety issues?
Please be careful when you create narratives. Someone doesn’t have to be evil or abusive for you to have a boundary that precludes engaging with them. And the only behavior that’s inherently abusive is refusing to respect the boundaries that other people set.
Btw straight guys just so u know it’s painfully obvious to girls when u r tryin to steer the conversation towards sexting or nudes or whatever like you all use the exact same lines and tactics it’s about as subtle as a train crash so if you’re not getting the sexy response u hoped for then there is a REASON for that aka she doesn’t want to sext or send u nudes so just stop bc it’s tiring jfc
