Someone: There’s more than two genders.
Doctors: Yeah.
Psychologists: Basically.
Scientists: Yup. Here’s several studies.
Sexologists: Duh!
Anthropologists: I could name like fifteen societies with more than two genders right now.
Asshole: No! Only two! Penis and vagina!
alright so I just read this articleby Kotaku re: Zarya being headcanoned as a lesbian and I have a few thoughts:
nonlesbians need to stop bringing up this nonexistent issue of “stereotyping” when talking about butch coded characters. butch lesbians exist, and they deserve the same recognition and love that femme lesbians get (as laughably little as that may be).
Zarya is heavily coded as butch. sure, having short dyed hair or being muscular doesn’t automatically make someone a lesbian. but here’s the thing that straight people don’t seem to understand: these stereotypes exist becausewe use these them to mark ourselves as lesbians.
it’s not offensive for Zarya to be a lesbian because these aren’t stereotypes projected onto us by straight people, but conventions we created to identify other lesbians.
throughout the whole article, the author doesn’t stop to examine why so many LBPQ women have been drawn to Zarya. it’s not just that she’s attractive. it’s not just that she’s a great character. it’s her coding as a butch lesbian that’s pinging all of our gaydars.
given the abysmally low survival rate of LBPQ women in media, we’re all desperate for meaningful representation. we cling to any character that we can reasonably (and sometimes unreasonably) headcanon as lesbian.
Zarya is the first character in a long, long time where I and many other fans feel like our hopes might actually become canon.
CAN I JUST SAY THAT I FIND IT SO ANNOYING THAT EVERYONE IN THE MCU DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE TONY'S MENTAL HEALTH WHEN DOING ANYTHING. THEY'RE ALL BLAMING HIM FOR ULTRON AND THEY'RE BEING SO HARSH LIKE "it's your fault we're at war with robots" LIKE TONY KNOWS THAT BUT NOPE THEY HAVE TO RUB IT INTO HIS FACE
OH BOY YOU JUST WANTED TO OPEN A CAN OF WORMS DIDN’T YOU. YOU KNEW WHAT SENDING THIS MESSAGE WOULD DO. OH BOY. LET’S RANT.
We are talking about a character who has canonically been tortured, had a non-consensual body modification, been emotionally manipulated (by Stane at least, we could argue Howard but with less canon proof) and actually looked death in the eyes multiple times. There have been at least 2 times that my tired, slightly tipsy brain can think of where he has to have thought “this is it, this is where I die”. Not to mention at the very least emotional neglect as a child. There was obviously more evidence of abuse in the comics but we’ll stick to MCU.
So YEAH. The guy’s got issues. He is, understandably, mentally unwell. He has, ON SCREEN, had multiple panic attacks. Panic attacks that revolved around THE ACTUAL LEGITIMATE POSSIBILITY OF ALIENS COMING TO EARTH AND KILLING EVERYONE HE LOVES, PLUS MILLIONS MORE.
And Wanda plays on that fear, on that mental illness, to manipulate him. No hate to her, I realise she had her reasons and all that, BUT WE CAN’T JUST IGNORE THAT. Tony was MANIPULATED into creating Ultron via his mental instability. And yes, we can admit, Tony only told Fury on screen about the vision. That I remember. Again, tired and tipsy, correct me if I get anything wrong here. But it is obviously later figured out what Wanda can do, what her powers are, and she manipulates the others of the team too. Clint even says (and I’m paraphrasing) that he’s been mind-controlled once, and has no desire to go through it again.
So they KNOW that Wanda can mess with people’s minds. And you’d have to think, at some point between Wanda and Pietro switching sides and Wanda becoming an Avenger and training as an Avenger, that it would be brought up, what she did to Tony. If nothing else, you would think the Avengers would make the connection after the rest of them (minus Clint) get the same mind-whammy. If nothing else, even if the Avengers still want to blame Tony for the whole mess, they should be blaming Wanda too. Not to mention the fact that Bruce (who I fucking love, okay, I’m not attacking him) willingly and with all his mental capacities, helped create Ultron. He was a willing participant, however hesitant he was to begin with. SO CAN WE ALL AGREE ALREADY THAT IT WAS NOT ENTIRELY AND ONLY TONY’S FAULT.
Okay and while we’re on the subject can we consider the fact that Tony is never comforted by any of his supposed friends/teammates about this? You remember JARVIS dying? I sure as fuck do. Remember how JARVIS was one of Tony’s longest and most trusted companions, right next to Pepper and Rhodey? Remember how Tony LOST him, to something that Tony helped create, and no one gave a single fuck? I DO.
Remember how Tony blamed himself for all the weapons being dealt under the table to the wrong people, all of the weapons he helped to create that ended up killing innocent people, even though he had no idea it was happening and stopped it as soon as he possibly could? You really think he wouldn’t be taking all the blame and internalising it and multiplying hundred-fold about Ultron? You really think he didn’t blame himself for all the lives lost in Sokovia? Just look at CA:CW for proof. A woman comes up to him and shows him a photo of her son, dead because of the battle in Sokovia, and you know that had to have influenced his position on the Accords. Christ, look at his speech about the son he gives to the Avengers. He clearly looked the boy up. Learned everything he could. Memorised every detail about the boy’s life, his bright future, looked at all the ways he was a good man who didn’t deserve to die. He blamed himself for that boy’s death, and no doubt every other death that occurred in Sokovia.
SO YEAH. IT FUCKING SUCKS HOW HE’S TREATED. IT SUCKS THAT DESPITE HIM BEING CANONICALLY MENTALLY ILL, DESPITE HIM BEING A MAN WHO’S ENTIRE ORIGINS STORY IS ABOUT TRYING TO FIX PAST MISTAKES AND CREATE A BETTER FUTURE FOR THE WORLD, DESPITE HIS EVERY ACTION BEING BASED ON A NEED TO FIX EVERYTHING WRONG, HE’S TREATED LIKE AN ASSHOLE, A SPOILED BRAT, A NARCISSIST, A SELF-CENTERED IMPULSIVE IMPOSTER.
ACKNOWLEDGE TONY’S WORTH AS A FLAWED HERO 2KFOREVER.
The one thing that hit me when I got back into fandom was reading
original fiction and running into shit like animal abuse or super-casual
sexual violence and being like “Well, if this had been tagged properly,
I’d have noped out after the first lackluster chapter.” Fucking tags, man.
And it’d be one thing if mainstream fiction was more or less predictable, but there’s so much
of that sort of thing out there. Everybody’s a fucking edgelord. I signed on to read about a homicide detective with PTSD from ‘Nam trying to find a murderous group of bank-robbers who met in-country, why am I now reading two in-your-face pages about an underage street-kid’s side-job of subsistence prostitution? That wasn’t part of the deal, book.
I mean, the point of tagging is
filtering out just as much as it is filtering for, and the fact that
everything’s covered if the writer has done their job means that it
works for everyone. People who are absolutely Not Down with whatever
can avoid it. People who aren’t thrilled about it but are willing to
trust the author if everything else seems to line up with what they want
can bail if that’s not the case. People who live for it know to shuffle it to the front of the line.
But books and stories out in the wild don’t come with tags. You know how Julie of the Wolves
is summarized? “When her life in the village becomes
dangerous, Miyax runs away, only to find herself lost in the Alaskan
wilderness.” You know what actually happens? The protagonist is married
off at the age of 13, on the condition that the relationship remain
platonic until she and her husband–I think he’s 14 or 15?–are of a
suitable age to consummate the marriage. She runs away after he tries to
rape her.
Like, it’s a good book. Adult-me is glad I read it.
But if the description on the back had been any shade of accurate about
why the protagonist flees into the fucking wilderness, child-me would
definitely have waited until I was on the older edge of the 8- to 12-year-old “recommended for” spread. And it definitely colored how I approached books after that.
I mean, I was a prolific reader as a kid. That didn’t change. But most of the books I wanted to read
weren’t something my friends had read, and I’m one of those impossibly-old thirty-somethings who’re
still somehow at large instead of being packed off to the old folks’
home, so I couldn’t even check online. There wound up being an extra layer of caution–especially around books with female protagonists–about whether or not the book was going to pull the rug out from under me.
Now, with fanfic, there are several apps and scripts and widgets that will let you wave a digital wand and stuff everything you don’t want to read right down the internet oubliette and slap a “This work is hidden!” sticker over the hole. I know this because I’ve grown up to be an incredibly picky reader, and there are a couple of fandoms and ships where I’ll run a search and 90% the results field will be happy little “You don’t even have to read the fucking description, because you already know you’ll hate it!” buttons instead of works.
Regular
novels, even now? Good fucking luck. Maybe if the book’s been
popular enough and you’re down with spoilers, you can find a detailed
synopsis or two out there that will tell you if there’s a gratuitous
chapter on bear-baiting or the least-necessary rape scene of all time. Most of the time you’re on your own, and even fairly well-reviewed novels will contain a surprise B Plot revolving around child sex abuse that the rest of the book doesn’t even come close to earning, justifying, or dealing with appropriately. The last book I picked up without vetting first had a chapter-two rape scene that I don’t even think the author understood was a rape scene.
And obviously this is a thing
that’s been happening since I got old enough to start reading YA books
where the dog dies and everyone has TB and the real monster was the
patriarchy all along, but it wasn’t something I’d been able to
articulate until presented with a solid alternative. Having a pile of fiction that I could pre-sort to be incest-free
(looking at you, Flowers in the Attic), CSA-free (I skipped
Gentlehands; turns out Grampa was a Nazi, not a child-molester), and
rape-free (just so many fucking books, you guys) was like this literally impossible dream.
Which, you know, you can talk about how much of fanfiction is or isn’t garbage, either in content or execution, but it’s at least well-labeled garbage by people who overwhelmingly seem considerate of their readership.
This has been one of the reasons TVTropes has been a useful thing for me: quite incidentally to its original purpose, it has come to serve as an ad-hoc tagging system for non-fan media. That said, there’s room for a site which has content tagging as its explicit purpose.
(I’m aware that content review sites exist already but they tend to be built around a value system not compatible with my own.)
god, if non-fandom works came with tags, i wouldn’t have to get every single piece of media with potential queer representation completely spoilered to avoid getting a Kill Your Gays trope upside the head. and don’t even talk to me about autistic characters. i just generally avoid any mainstream depiction, because they’re nearly all offensively bad and that legit triggers me.
fandom kiddies whining about how they found some properly tagged dead dove and ate it anyway honestly have no case.
oh man yes, if tags would be a thing in literature outside of fandoms it would make things so much easier in terms of searching for new yummy stuff and avoiding what you can’t handle. I works just fine with reasonable people in fandom.
And man, I could stop worrying about stumbling into shit like that one book last month: it presented a blurb suggesting a dude wooing a shy guy, but instead it featured child abuse + incest + drill sergeant type of an abusive father + homophobia + rape combo that nicely puts my worst squicks and triggers into a special kind of package I just can’t deal with. Were it tagged, I could’ve cheerfully avoided it and wouldn’t have to suffer all the stomach issues, helpless rages and having lost the time it took to read those one hundred pages leading to that big NOPE.
At least goodreads do tag a few things and when combined with some responsive publishers (like LT3 press - bless their faces - who tag orientations of characters in the books and incest), it can really help avoid the worst landmines. Checking tvtropes sounds like a great idea, the problem is that it usually features only the more known creations.
When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.
Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.
Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy - don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly:
It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.
I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.
This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?
You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on.
It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me.
I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on?
I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself.
I hope these suggestions are helpful - best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to.
Was just going to say this in the tags, but it was turning into an essay because apparently I have strong feelings about these, so I’ll just say it here:
I believe this post applies even to people who don’t or don’t think they have a mental illness. Dealing with mental illnesses and breakdowns is EXTREMELY stressful, and I’m saying that both as someone who has been mentally ill since childhood, and as someone who has tried his best to help friends and family members manage their own mental illnesses and crises. It’s the kind of stress that can break someone, even if they started from a space of perfect health (imo people with perfect mental health are basically unicorns, but that’s beside the point). That does not have to happen to you. PLEASE use the suggestions in this post if you’re feeling the strain, regardless of whether you have a diagnosed mental illness or not. Don’t break your own back trying to lift someone else up.
caregiver fatigue/burnout is a documented thing among even the most neurotypical, trained, educated, and paid workers. if your friends need you, you have to make sure to keep yourself stable and healthy in order to keep being there for them.
drowning people will pull you under: they can’t help it. it’s crucial to your success, in trying to help people in trouble, to make sure you put supports and safeguards in place to effectively help them, rather than sink with them.
